becoming unentitled

The things that I see myself as entitled to, I do not appreciate to their fullest and therefore do not use to their fullest. This goes for relationships and things both.

I thought about this as I filled my large Panera cup with passion papaya iced green tea and took a drink on my way out the door. I have a sip club subscription, and so getting a cup of something caffeinated is a regular routine thing. I don't really appreciate it for the energy boost and easy pick-me-up that it is. And I don't use it as such either. I use it toward self-gratification (this will taste good and feel good) rather than rolling it into my next responsibility (this will help me parent better this afternoon, and it will help me clean faster).

Entitlement uses what we have to please ourselves -- I need this, I deserve this. Thankfulness uses what we have to turn a profit on what God has given us. The days where I believe I deserve certain things and I am not getting them are the days that ruin me. They ruin my productivity, my aspiration, my ability to dream, and my ability to bless others. The days where I am thankful for every little thing and see every little thing as a gift are the days that delight me, lift me up, and inspire me to work toward growth.

And it was humbling today for me, through a series of conversations, to reach a low point where I realized... that many things I am currently wrestling with stem back to entitlement. All that I have is beyond what I need or deserve. Jesus' teachings suggest that suffering is baseline. And contentment is also baseline.

And just as I had reached that conclusion for myself personally, Grant walked into the kitchen after a conversation with one of our children and said, "If I could change one thing about our family, it would be more gratefulness."

And so. This evening as I type I'm settled into my place, both emotionally and physically, and grateful:

for walls against the wind outside.

for warm sweatshirts.

for books and paper and glue sprawled on the table.

for a cozy living room where people gathered and kids played today.

for a hard-working husband.

for healthy, sleeping children.

for light.

for a washing machine to help tackle the piles of laundry.

for the listening ears of friends.

for all of the ways God is teaching me, gently.